live well, change the world.

good grace

last week in rishikesh- ‘the yoga capital of the world’-  was incredible for me.

i’ve never felt so comfortable in such a holy, spiritual place before. there is a different feeling of connection i get in hindu and buddhist temples that i have never felt in a cathedral or synagogue, no matter how much i admire their beauty and power. somehow i never felt like i belonged in those places. as i yearned for a sense of spiritual structure throughout my formative years, i always came up emptyhanded and often felt left out of a club that didnt accept people like me, who were still trying to figure out how to carve out their place in this big, scary world.

this past week, living in an ashram and taking yoga and naturopathy classes, i felt a sense of peace and fulfillment that was never available to me in such a tangible way. i have to admit, the energy & vibrations there were intense. there are so many other seekers and students, monks and gurus. it’s overwhelming to hear the chanting all night, and to sit on the bank of the Ganges river and watch freedom wash over people as they soak themselves in holy water. there is this sense of truth setting you free that is beyond words. it is simply magnificent to be a part of.

every morning i woke up and took private yoga classes, after which i was served sprouted lentils and tea. then it was time for class. the dr. of naturopathy discussed all of the treatments they provide- including hydro, mud, and massage therapy, as well as nutrition and detox cleansing and yoga and meditation of course. i have to say, of all the treatments i’ve witnessed in india, the nutrition thing, no matter how basic, speaks to me the most. and i felt empowered realizing that this journey has taken me to the other side of the world and yet still, the things that matter to all humans are the same everywhere, and the secret to a healthy and balanced life is not a secret at all- in fact it is something i know well. eat alkalized, unprocessed food, limit toxins, do yoga, work your mind, breathe, and try to laugh.

in the evenings i would practice meditation and breathing exercises with my instructor and go for long walks in the expat village nearby, reading in cafes overlooking the Ganga and watching the sun set. i have been rereading the bhagavad gita, the ancient hindu text, which i last read in college. studying hinduism here has been valuable in my attempt to understand the culture of india. the deepening of perspective is a major theme, helping the reader to experience her own life in the context of a wider purpose.

the practice of the different yogas described in the Gita- including dharma, karma, and bhakti- enables you to value ACTION over thought and to learn to work with what you are given. we are instruments of the cards we’ve been handed and we must do the best we can in order to find peace. in other words- it’s about letting go.  one issue i was interested in was the way karma is interpreted, especially in a holy city where it seems like people are cleansing themselves through a dip in the river or transcendental meditation with gurus. through some conversations with hindus and my reading assignment, i realized that hinduism looks at karma as a paradox- on one hand free will exists, but yet, so does fate. the thing is, they seem to exist on different levels. we all have to make daily decisions, but in them, we are merely playing a part. i guess i relate it to the idea of intuition- more often than not you just know what to do in your own life. our subjective relationship with the universe is based on something deeper than just knowledge.

so, can you change your karma? can a guru take it from you? technically, i think the point is that the design does not change- we are a manifestation of karmic laws from past lives, and in this life, as our desires turn to thoughts which turn to action, we create more karma for our next incarnation. it goes on and on. and so this moment is a sum of life waves that have always been flowing to bring us to this place.

the amazing vibes i have gotten on this trip have been mostly from the people of this country who, despite any circumstances, do their work, or there dharma, whether it be cleaning the floors, cooking meals, or delivering babies, with a smile on their face and peace in their hearts. they are ego-less. there is not a sense of jealousy or resentment distracting them from being the best at what they have been put here to live out. in the end, it comes down to perspective- to be able to see outside of yourself without judgment, and then turn in towards yourself and do the same thing. if we can see the universe for what it is, we can see that it is working perfectly and we can be happy.

there is so much less anxiety here, life is not such a struggle- in many ways it is a healthier place to be.

we tend to ruin everything with self-consciousness and judgment– i can’t believe i ate that cookie! i haven’t worked out this week! my friend has more money than i do!– just do what you do and be fully there and stop criticizing yourself. we turn our lives into our ideas about our own inadequacies and think that if one thing were different- my big thighs, or my small paycheck- then life would be ok. what is the point of the torture? although there is sacrifice in hinduism, it differs exponentially from christian models of sacrifice. there is no pressure. it is about learning to act in awareness of the possibility of brahman- oneness. there is no need for masochism- suffering is grace in itself. you throw yourself into the fire and purify yourself- and you are free. it’s really about not being a phony. you can’t “trick” anyone in these practices, as you often can in other religions, because the joke’s on you! there is no god telling you you will burn in hell, but you will make your life harder than it has to be.

the root of the gita seems to be love and devotion- to open our hearts and become love. i know it sounds esoteric, but being here, i can see it, and it’s contagious to want a part of it.

in terms of the losses i’ve suffered this year, it has been awakening to be in this holy place. there was not just the obvious loss of someone close to me, but the loss of everything that once defined my entire life. nothing is the same. suffering happens. and if you can suffer and still find a way to love, then i think that is the key to keeping the peace. of course nothing is the same- nothing is ever going to be the same! for anyone, ever! we are so silly to constrain ourselves with these ideas.

despair is important. we have to deeply suffer to open our hearts- that is where we find the grace. same thing the tibetan buddhists say. when we look at our little melodramas- our sadness, anger, loneliness- with some perspective, our understanding of these notions change and we  can accept them as much as a part of ourselves as our happiness and joy. essentially we must break ourselves down from the structures our egos have created for us and find stillness in the rubble and disarray. this is where the freedom lies.

so, in conclusion to this messy way of explaining my minute  understanding of hinduism and the people i’ve had the pleasure of being around for the past month, i will say this:

i don’t believe in randomness. i feel vastly connected to the plotlines of my life, even those that have been totally seemingly out of my own control. to have been brought here through the pain and joys of the past couple of years is something i am immensely grateful for. as i continue on the last legs of my journey, i am going to aim to keep allowing myself to go with the flow- not to worry about what my future holds or does not hold- all the things i’ve spent too much of my life anxious about. i am going to use my favorite mantra first instilled in me by my beautiful friend steph- EVERYTHING WORKS OUT,

and just keep believing it until it becomes my truth.

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